AQUARIUS - stories from the stars with Taylor Evelyn

issue one contributor and unfiltered life guru Taylor Evelyn Yates ("How to Love Your Body") lends her insight on the zodiac signs. this month, she tells us what's up with the quirky, elusive Aquarii.


  illustration by Sara Kloskowski

illustration by Sara Kloskowski

Aliens I tell ya! The celestial extraterrestrial! Aliens, all of em. Now, I know that people are unique from each other, but my spidey senses tingle particularly around these folks. Always in motion, always rare, always thinking, always someplace far, far away. Any mother due for February is carrying a human that is not of this world. Their wombs are spaceships.

    You know the song “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy? They are the ones who will bust out in the middle of the party and sing along to all of the words during the Jamaican part. If you know an Aquarius, or if you happen to be one, do yourself a favor and marry an Aries with a Sagittarius moon, they’ll sing the chorus with you.

Aquarii get bored very easily. They sit around and observe us humans do human things, like play lacrosse and argue over which restaurants to go to. This is where we begin to define the disconnection. Emotionally, they are one of the top two detached signs, see Virgo. Maybe it’s the water element in my astrological recipe, but it seems they are the only sign that forgets to say “I love you too” before hanging up the phone. 

In fact they are so out of this world, they stop calling altogether. It’s hard to touch them, it’s hard to be near them. Even when I was younger, I couldn’t communicate with my father. I remember how I’d always call him and ask him to help me do my math homework. Aliens love math, and Miranda July says “Math is just a funny way of saying “I love you.” So I guess that we all show it in different ways.

These signs are haunting and fun to be around! Let them take you to an art museum and talk to you about how many tampons it takes to satisfy a period, or let them read your palms, let them cry on your shoulder, listen to Bjork on the beach, follow some train tracks to a football game. Let them abduct you.   

traits of Aquarius:

-loves live concerts

-has a secret ability to dance very well to any type of music

-enjoys hot sauce on fruit

-sleeps with your ex-boyfriend

-great person to talk shit with

-tutors your mom in college, falls in love with your mom, falls out of love with your mom

-makes a great sandwich

- extroverted, but highly enjoys alone time

-very project-oriented, loves focusing on a task


Taylor Evelyn Yates is the sassiest bundle of life energy you'll ever have the pleasure of crossing paths with. currently finishing up a degree in Creative Writing in Chicago, Taylor has a knack for expressing thoughts and ideas that are only becoming fertilized in our own minds. you can find her thoughtful, hilarious essay, "How to Love Yourself," in issue one of Selfish.